PHASE OUT
I was dealing with the rough patch of my life, many thoughts came to visit my thought process and disturb the mood. Often there was a burden on my heart. Most people in my close circuit and relatives thought of me as “a child born with a silver spoon” even though I came from a very humble background and my parents are just above the lower middle class with three kids and a family to support. As an elder son my father has the responsibility to take care of everyone around him no matter what sort of personal or professional problem he is dealing with.
I was nurtured and brought up like I too had to one day steer the whole family as efficiently as my father did all these years. In my growing age, I learned to absorb and adsorb both. But I too have limits. My nature shifted towards too low and I make decisions on my own calculations.
In that process I came to love the beautiful companion of mine “Night” deep dark silent yet faithful loyal to me, never ever anything can change how I feel about her and how much I enjoy to spend my time in her companionship.
In a few days, almost two years will be completed. I will never forget that accident and now I think what happened that night must be shared, never wanted but sharing was important just because how things are building up in me against what I don't want. There are times when my family is reminded of the pain brought about by that day.
One night as usual I decided to take the ride back to the workplace, my mood was off and was never in a joyful mood. I boarded on the bus around 11:30 PM (my usual time and choice of the ride). A Peaceful journey was started and almost half an hour later many fellow passengers fell asleep. I was just behind the conductor's seat and surfing the net.
Around 2:00 AM our bus was crossing a bridge on Sai River situated 10km before Raebareli on Prayagraj Raebareli Highway. Suddenly in a split moment, we had a head-on collision with the opposite side truck heading straight towards us and our driver jumped off the seat and our bus was still on the move, the side of roads was 25-30 ft deep and we had an accident and diverted towards deep fall.
When the accident took place three persons reacted well, my bus driver who fell off the seat conductor pulling his bag tight and a fellow passenger who rushed the driver seat and applied brakes.
Many were badly injured, deep bath in blood, people screaming, pain, mirror pieces everywhere. What next? Dialed 100 and police PCR vans arrived on the scene after 30minutes in a while the highway was slowly jamming up and it took an ambulance another 30 minutes to reach us.
On that very day, I had encountered such a close touch and go, I had a head injury, strained legs, even now my back even sore on jumps, blood on hand, helping others to provide first aid, shock, physical discomfort thoughts that were forcing me to deal with life after an accident.
After 1 and half hours later we were rushed to the nearest Prathmic Swasth Kendra (CHC), seeing the procedure I opted to go only for the pain killer and bandages to keep me going for the next few hours. I kept additional doses of painkiller shots from the doctor in case of an emergency. Police after spending 2 hours at the CHC took me to the bus stop on my request as I don't want to get admitted there.
Around 5 AM I resumed my journey and asked my room partner to skip his early morning routine and stay in the room. When I reached the room I ensured to take the additional painkillers, removed the bandages around me, and pictured the scene that it was nothing more than a scratch.
I entered the room, met with others, and took the room partner with me to the nearest hospital. there I was stitched and again I asked for the pain killers to lower down the case status priority from dangerous to normal also for stabilizing my thoughts to feel uneasy, confused, and overwhelmed.
Next 35 days I instructed everyone not to share the news with anybody because the pain was that factor I can repress but the injury mark needs time to normalize.
“If you don't see it you don't believe the situation” is a hardcore truth of society.
That accident is now a part of our family history, a part of who I am, like everything else experienced in this journey called life. From time to time ongoing memories of that accident pop up into my consciousness leaving them feeling helpless and stressed.
Depression sometimes acts as a hindrance in precluding recovery to a normal life after the accident. Even if it's been years one can feel like things should be 100% back to normal but they're not – just think there are others dealing with this too.
Forgiveness may be a concept to think about. Forgiving the other person, or forgiving yourself – or both. In my case ?????
