Crusade of a Cursed Man

Crusade of a Cursed Man

Chapter: Crisis of an alter Ego

Recently I encountered the divulgence, aimed at me, Of Course in my absence, which was, “ He is not the person to have close friends for very long.”

I don't deny this statement, it's a fact, wonderfully stated, no doubt about it, but the problem lays itself in the divulgence, whoever aimed this divulgence, himself has clarified “close friends for long” in his divulgence and the very next day he extended his big brother's marriage invitation to be among only four others he had invited.

Now help me understand if, “close friends” as a relationship is a mutual feeling or a one-sided feeling?

I stood with every person I know, having a bond, in almost every tough situation had a sweet relationship, smooth transition but if after being apart, we don't share connections does it means I had ditched the close friend or whenever we will meet again in life, we might start new but not as strangers but certainly as “TWO GOOD PERSONS”.

There is a difference between a friend and a close friend, people have to understand the involved reason behind that.

I have many friends with whom I have a sweet connection, share our sins and mutual understanding, which varies from one to another depending on his nature of perception, and coping abilities.

There are few people in my life with whom I will never start a conversation again, at least in this life.

Yes, I do have friends on whom I can rely with my life, even not have to think twice, if asked for, no matter if we are in touch or not. He has come to me with hope, and it's my responsibility to sustain his hope in humanity.

  For me, these are not mere philosophical statements, anyone can tests this, in reality, any day he wants to, I will be happy and not even have any agony towards him.

Each day I ask myself, “how can I become a better person than yesterday?”. Only this is what matters: the rest is circumstantial. Everyone is busy in their crisis and everyone greets another only if he understands “nothing can be done alone”.

Trying to develop the winning mindset of coming out of a crisis with the ability to rehearse rather than discussing, '`usne aissa kyu kha, kyu kiya, arre maine uske liye kya kuch nahi kiya?’ and all that stuff, which is pure nonsense,  because at the end you had to have satisfied soul of your own having an answer’ Bhai isse jyada aur kuch nahi kar sakta tha,that's enough, you cannot satisfy everyone around you.

There was one incident, that made me concentrate on every person and act politely and friendly around you.

In my school days, there was a friend of mine and we shared a good connection, and at that time I had a rough patch in my life going side by side with my studies as well healthwise. I thought being a friend, he might understand my ongoing condition, I even asked for help from him many times, but since the sections were allotted, I was ignored by the wolf pack, this soured my situation even worse. Since there may be thousands of reasons why I cannot accomplish things, I searched for the only reason why I have to accomplish the goal. I passed the 12th Exam CBSE board with maths and bio stream having only 67%.even though the school administration has held my admit card on account of my midterms marks and absence from pre-board (yes, due to health issues), and the Principal told my parents he is not going to give Readmission to me, if I failed the exam, means I have to enroll myself elsewhere “If I Failed”.

Then I took a year gap after passing the board same year 2007, was enrolled in the coaching for medical-related competitive exams that year was pure full of emptiness, I had no one to explain, from what I am going through, neglected by my pack, then I found few others from the school time, we shared some time, tried to be back in the pack but badly failed. 

From that instance I always told myself, it's all going to be ok one day. From then onwards I always spend time with those who don't have to feel “else-wise” from my presence, they enjoy the company as I do.

After a year in 2008, when the exam results were announced, I remember a call on my father's cell phone from one from the wolf pack, we were in Banaras at that time, asking an insight about the college rank he had scored a far better rank than me, even though I shared my list of colleges with ranking and, remember friends, at that time sharing a piece of information was a lengthy task because we don't use sharing apps like emails even Gmail was a new thing to us. I explained, dictated the whole list, it took more than an hour. After the counseling I never heard from him, I had his landline and he had my father's number which was passed to me the next year in 2009, which I use today.

With the silence, many years passed and one day I received the sad news of the demise of one of my teachers, who was also a mother of my school classmate. I was on the same premise, the same day of this mishap, and unknown about the mishap. The next day I received sad news from one of my classmates, but till then I was back in my city Banaras. I was shamed on the fact that we were so close even though, I was so not there for him, then I decided to frame a group on Facebook by the name “Reunite 2007” (till time most of us were addicted to it, and my presence was only limited to few logins in a month). The idea was to get everyone on the same page so that we can know each other ware-about.

On the same day, once again I received the call from that person, who called me last at the time of counseling, he was traveling somewhere and begun his rash out on me that I ignored him all these years, I was not there with him, in the time of his worst phase of life and so on.

I was stunned again when I opened up Facebook. The person claiming I ignored him had not even responded to my friend request sent in 2010, never replied to my comments on his post, nor in messages, till the date we were having this conversation. How I was supposed to stand side by side with him?

On that day I realized, with whomsoever I meet, will greet as best as I could, and as soon as we move ahead, it will always be on a good node.

I have friends and close friends but how long I cannot quantify it, never could. Always love to stand by those who need me. 

And yes, I have close friends, who no matter what will stand by my side even in the worst scenarios. Love You brothers. 

 

Safar

For the last few years, I was traveling a lot and by all means of available transport. Many times it is challenging but that is what I can do the best. A 500km distance marathon is now part of my life.

This time when I started my journey from Lucknow to Allahabad as usual. I thought that I had experienced almost every possible bad circumstances but what "the hell situation" was waiting. 

While catching up the bus at 1 pm and moving merely 20 km from Lucknow the conductor union called for a strike and they were refunding the ticketing amount to all the boarded passengers. The bus was back in Alambagh bus station after a while around 3 PM, I started to move towards the railway station and was amazed to see even sleeper compartments were house packed like the local one, couldn't even think to travel in such hell situation and again returned to Alambagh bus station, waiting and waiting and waiting to call off the union strike but nothing was happening just a few slogans were enchanted in the air against their MD meanwhile I meet with a stranger from Indian navy and had a conversation about a couple of hours. It was almost 6 PM now and I was nowhere to land. soon around 7 the strike was off but the house pack busses irregular parking made us leave at 8:45 pm and I finally landed at 3 am in Allahabad.

Rework of Safar Published in 2014

Remembering 2018: As A Project Coordinator

“Lack of work experience doesn’t mean that you’re in for the tough time.”

At too early in the morning, it’s one of my favorite people calling me to confirm a rumor he heard about my tenure completion with the project.

Covid 19 was just pacing up and the Government of India has extended 14 days lockdown for the second time. Thankfully before the "Janta Curfew"  I had already completed my final project inspection tour and finalized the formalities. 

With the Government imposing new restrictions and implementation of new guidelines to restrict any kind of gathering and events, it was not feasible to have customarily "the handing over ceremony" the last associated event of the project. So, the higher authorities had decided to get closer for the project tenure initially estimated for 6 months but was extended for 2 long years.

While talking with him, my tenure with the project just flashed before my eyes. A journey that started as a fresher and how its value in my life, changed my career perspective and circumstances that allowed me to join the project collectively poured a volatile cocktail of emotions in my mind.

I was late on, "day one" of my joining, and thus, under the impression that I was choosing for myself, I found myself standing at the threshold of massively fantastic opportunity as a project coordinator, very much fresher amongst all my to be colleagues having vast work experiences.

Honestly, on "day one" I had no idea that how a mere amateur like me will withstand its ground and adjust with colleagues(at least I was hoping they are) with an extra edge of experience, often with little or no mercy for the likes of me.

The new environment, new work culture, the standard of procedures were different. As you were trying hard to fit in, at the same time you were preparing to gear yourself up for the project execution, learning, absorbing, enhancing, and enacting simultaneously. While seeing others at work, it’s frightfully easy to be lured in the comfort and convenience of shading oneself in the shades of colleagues better equipped and more experienced.

On the very first day, I was taught by the admin, that appearance matter in the firm and management. Now onwards your appearance is as important as your presentation of the project, if not more.

LOOK LIKE YOU BELONG

With few daily routines and daily audio conferencing, reports discussion, my bond with one of my senior colleagues’ sir started flourishing, and with the passing days of my tenure, that bond grew stronger and stronger.

Having a friendly relationship with the colleagues at the workplace had its flavor at the workplace because it’s human nature to form bonds with the people of the surrounding we often used to call them “friends”.

He was such a gentleman that he often used to be my anchor support, proofreader of my reports and emails, my main strategist, my savior for most of the time, especially when the heat from the "BOSS" was "On". 

Having a mentor like him at a workplace and call him a friend, had a different feeling because, at one hand, where childhood and school friends are "informal" but friends like him, with whom you can even form a bond in the midway of the relationship of formal and informal, such an approach can be a blessing in its way. One of the main reasons behind our growing bonding maybe was the mental and logical approach and keeping nerve calms.

For the rest of my colleagues, my behavior was friendly and formal that helped me to ease the environment at the workplace but often I tried to ignore to cross paths after work hours.

MAKE 10 ON 10

At the end of the day, it is important to pull your weight in any team or as an individual assignment, to tactfully resolve the situation, after all, you wouldn’t want to be burdened unfairly, but also willingly ready to settle for a little extra.

Every single day of mine on the project was of great learning, with a facet of experience personality, every gemstone of wisdom unearth on the work floor, every instinct honed while making the business decision, altogether had a deep impact on me right from day one to last day on the project.

Every workplace has its flavor just pick the taste where you belong and sail the journey with new enthusiasm pushing yourself around the experience.

#remembring #jantacurfew #workplacestories #shortstories

Remembering 1999: Leaders as I knew

With the demise of prominent leaders in Indian politics in quick succession and few leaders away from the active politics, Indian politics suffering from the huge loss of mentors who were not only being criticized on political vendetta but as individuals get "applaud" everywhere.

Remembering the era of 1999, when the country was going through political unrest and political parties trying to form the government at the center or competing to finish its tenure, “NDA I” has emerged as the solution for the country.

At that time, I was in my early childhood days, but on the other hand, grown enough to have a "compulsorily" interest in the political structure, political effect; not because I have to but, because of the famous typical social structure of the Indian society's behavior, where few prominent questions asked from relatives and others, from children around age 8years onwards, questions were more often based on the general knowledge like "who is who?" who is prime minister, defense, foreign minister and governors of the state, which is state capital, Indian states name and capital of countries.

Knowledge with Social awareness for that time was very necessary, for me as a 10-year-old kid, you don’t want to look like a fool or part of laughing material in front of the public you face of relative and others (at least what I think, at that time it was the most common expression, you face, when fail to satisfy others with your answers) more often in the change of ministry and the State you have to update your knowledge bank.

I was always struggling to remember all the basic details with a confusing state in my mind by few names like Jawswant, Khuswant, and Yashwant Singh (kun kya tha bhai?) and also between Arun Jaitely and Arun Shourie?

Politics of that time had a huge impact on my childhood subconscious mind because I was not only following different topics of general awareness but at the same time, I was also being introduced to different political leaders, their styles of social appearance, which in turn was influencing my behavior outcomes in the society I even started to copy them, one incident that I always remember, which also shows the impact of a political leader on my actions is when in the Sanskrit elocution contest I toured my script just before my name was announced for stage and I simply walk up and delivered my speech in " Shri Atal Behari Vajpayee Ji" style and remember to speak at least for 20 min in the Sanskrit language.

This was how I was first introduced to politics then suddenly deep-diving into the debates of the political issues, things started happening all around me, either it was about World Nuclear test ban treaty, CTBT American pressure their so-called imposed ban, demarcating foreign relations Kargil war parliament under threat of terrorist and internal opposition attack, violence in different parts of the state. There was so much in the newspaper and electronic media which I think just started to be played by the hands of leaders.

Leaders of NDA 1 were impacting my mindset, influencing my acts, behavior at that time, and now seeing them gone one by one, I feel a vacant spot in my emotions.

PHASE OUT

I was dealing with the rough patch of my life, many thoughts came to visit my thought process and disturb the mood. Often there was a burden on my heart. Most people in my close circuit and relatives thought of me as “a child born with a silver spoon” even though I came from a very humble background and my parents are just above the lower middle class with three kids and a family to support. As an elder son my father has the responsibility to take care of everyone around him no matter what sort of personal or professional problem he is dealing with.

I was nurtured and brought up like I too had to one day steer the whole family as efficiently as my father did all these years. In my growing age, I learned to absorb and adsorb both. But I too have limits. My nature shifted towards too low and I make decisions on my own calculations.

In that process I came to love the beautiful companion of mine “Night” deep dark silent yet faithful loyal to me, never ever anything can change how I feel about her and how much I enjoy to spend my time in her companionship.

In a few days, almost two years will be completed. I will never forget that accident and now I think what happened that night must be shared, never wanted but sharing was important just because how things are building up in me against what I don't want. There are times when my family is reminded of the pain brought about by that day.

One night as usual I decided to take the ride back to the workplace, my mood was off and was never in a joyful mood. I boarded on the bus around 11:30 PM (my usual time and choice of the ride). A Peaceful journey was started and almost half an hour later many fellow passengers fell asleep. I was just behind the conductor's seat and surfing the net.

Around 2:00 AM our bus was crossing a bridge on Sai River situated 10km before Raebareli on Prayagraj Raebareli Highway. Suddenly in a split moment, we had a head-on collision with the opposite side truck heading straight towards us and our driver jumped off the seat and our bus was still on the move, the side of roads was 25-30 ft deep and we had an accident and diverted towards deep fall. 

When the accident took place three persons reacted well, my bus driver who fell off the seat conductor pulling his bag tight and a fellow passenger who rushed the driver seat and applied brakes.

Many were badly injured, deep bath in blood, people screaming, pain, mirror pieces everywhere. What next? Dialed  100 and police PCR vans arrived on the scene after 30minutes in a while the highway was slowly jamming up and it took an ambulance another 30 minutes to reach us.

On that very day, I had encountered such a close touch and go, I had a head injury, strained legs, even now my back even sore on jumps, blood on hand, helping others to provide first aid, shock, physical discomfort thoughts that were forcing me to deal with life after an accident.

After 1 and half hours later we were rushed to the nearest Prathmic Swasth Kendra (CHC), seeing the procedure I opted to go only for the pain killer and bandages to keep me going for the next few hours. I kept additional doses of painkiller shots from the doctor in case of an emergency. Police after spending 2 hours at the CHC took me to the bus stop on my request as I don't want to get admitted there.

Around 5 AM I resumed my journey and asked my room partner to skip his early morning routine and stay in the room. When I reached the room I ensured to take the additional painkillers, removed the bandages around me, and pictured the scene that it was nothing more than a scratch.

I entered the room, met with others, and took the room partner with me to the nearest hospital. there I was stitched and again I asked for the pain killers to lower down the case status priority from dangerous to normal also for stabilizing my thoughts to feel uneasy, confused, and overwhelmed.

                                                     

Next 35 days I instructed everyone not to share the news with anybody because the pain was that factor I can repress but the injury mark needs time to normalize.

“If you don't see it you don't believe the situation” is a hardcore truth of society.

That accident is now a part of our family history, a part of who I am, like everything else experienced in this journey called life. From time to time ongoing memories of that accident pop up into my consciousness leaving them feeling helpless and stressed.

Depression sometimes acts as a hindrance in precluding recovery to a normal life after the accident. Even if it's been years one can feel like things should be 100% back to normal but they're not – just think there are others dealing with this too.

Forgiveness may be a concept to think about. Forgiving the other person, or forgiving yourself – or both. In my case ?????

Story never been told.

Fear is the most un-predective and common experiences of once life. Actually, man fear from things that in reality are not so screamy and fearful as once own conscious made the facts in subconscious to suit in the situation and make it more worst. Fear is to face the situation and work, which may be because of the reason, negativity present in our own minds we never wanted to come out from our comfort zone of living due to which the deep sowed seed of fear in our subconscious mind starts growing with our age without being generally noticed.

This is the story, where one is considered to be fearless strong tough in the circumstances of life but actually does everyone has overcome his or her fear? This is the story of the person who had lived his life under his choices but in the lights of his parents. Story starts when I first saw her. She was topper of our class most beautiful innocent smile I was with. She was on the count of 9.8 out of 10 in the eyes of every person in our school and the all-rounder whenever any extracurricular or other activity were organized there where the fight between rest of the positions except first…after all, this position was patent for her. I was in the same school in which my sisters had their schooling too and they were among the toppers and all teachers were expecting me to produce and repeat what the benchmarks of my sisters had produced but I was different from them every single individual is different from others but our society is one which never see the potentials but they are programmed to judge the others on count of what they want to make and see others. My starting was in just as all other but I recognized in early age to break the trend and known as by my name just AS RUDRA… whose funda of life is to live in full throttle mood. Never had fear of what comes to next, a total headache and for some stupid idiot freak who never had been in the serious talks although the short tempered. Two opposite qualities residing beneath the behavior of mine. When she came across my life and we had some conversation going on… I just realize that something was in her that make me complete while as a good friend she always knew what I was upto on any situations. She being the nicest girl I would have ever known in any part of my life. She exactly know what she need when and how also along with the fact where I suits in. School days are always adorable but for me it was nothing more than the passing days.  

chapter 1